From the Trenches
On the morning of the 19th, as I sat in the car and sneaked a quick peak at the most recent MRI, I felt that old familiar panic...unable to catch my breath, thinking "surely not my sweet boy", wanting to cry but knowing that it wasn't the time nor the place, needing to move and pacing back and forth, trying to figure out why we are in this battle.
Pure and simple panic.
Once again, I felt as if I were in the trenches.
And I don't live this feeling every day. Trust me! But that feeling of being in the trenches is barely buried, always near the surface, and it comes back everytime an MRI indicates unstable tumors, or a new tumor, or possible surgery.
(The radiology report confirmed my view of the MRI. The cyst itself is just a little larger than the size of the tumor, doubling the effect of the small mass. It was noted, as I plainly saw, that the edema associated with this tumor/cyst is more widespread. However, Steven is still without symptoms, short of the constant dizziness. This is good news. The radiology report also confirmed my feeling that cerebral spinal fluid is still flowing properly. That is VERY GOOD! However, I still have no answers about the cyst...if it indicates a nearing surgery, if it grows quickly or if it grows very slowly like the tumors, what symptoms indicate a need for a clinic visit within the next couple of weeks and what symptoms indicate a need for an emergancy visit, etc. Still unanswered. )
And it resurfaces even when bad news is for someone else, and I feel so much for them that it hurts.
I think because I've been there.
So, for today, I have three wishes.
1. I wish there was a cure for VHL.
2. I wish there was a cure for brain tumors.
3. I wish there was a cure for breast cancer.
On the morning of the 19th, as I sat in the car and sneaked a quick peak at the most recent MRI, I felt that old familiar panic...unable to catch my breath, thinking "surely not my sweet boy", wanting to cry but knowing that it wasn't the time nor the place, needing to move and pacing back and forth, trying to figure out why we are in this battle.
Pure and simple panic.
Once again, I felt as if I were in the trenches.
And I don't live this feeling every day. Trust me! But that feeling of being in the trenches is barely buried, always near the surface, and it comes back everytime an MRI indicates unstable tumors, or a new tumor, or possible surgery.
(The radiology report confirmed my view of the MRI. The cyst itself is just a little larger than the size of the tumor, doubling the effect of the small mass. It was noted, as I plainly saw, that the edema associated with this tumor/cyst is more widespread. However, Steven is still without symptoms, short of the constant dizziness. This is good news. The radiology report also confirmed my feeling that cerebral spinal fluid is still flowing properly. That is VERY GOOD! However, I still have no answers about the cyst...if it indicates a nearing surgery, if it grows quickly or if it grows very slowly like the tumors, what symptoms indicate a need for a clinic visit within the next couple of weeks and what symptoms indicate a need for an emergancy visit, etc. Still unanswered. )
And it resurfaces even when bad news is for someone else, and I feel so much for them that it hurts.
I think because I've been there.
So, for today, I have three wishes.
1. I wish there was a cure for VHL.
2. I wish there was a cure for brain tumors.
3. I wish there was a cure for breast cancer.
Because he is too good and too sweet and too loved for any of this...That's all!
1 comment:
I wish there was a cure for all of those things too. It never seems fair, and yet we just have to keep telling ourselves that it is all GOD'S plan. That is the only thing that got me through the hard times.
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